Spoiler Alert: Love is a Head Thing

When I was in high school, one of my best friends – Cherina – told me that love is a decision.  I forget what guy she and I were talking about and even if it was her guy or mine, but I’ve never forgotten those words.

I also remember her telling me I needed to start waxing my eyebrows. 

Guess which advice I took and applied in my life for the next 20 years?

Yep, the eyebrows. 

What I would pay to rewind and apply the other piece of advice!

Because ultimately, waxing my eyebrows I’m sure contributed to all the guys that asked me out over the course of my dating experiences,  but it was the other advice that I finally started applying in my life that turned my dating experiences to dating to marry.

When I finally found life coaching, I learned that love – the kind that lasts a lifetime – is a head thing.  

All those years,  I knew that (remember Cherina?).  But I didn’t apply it to my own dating experiences.  I didn’t actually learn it for myself.

So what does that whole “love is a head thing” actually mean? 

Relationships are simply your thoughts about another person.  

Your thoughts about them will depend on your expectations of them and how well they meet those expectations.  

Marriage is a relationship.   Dating and love is a relationship.  So therefore marriage, dating, & love are simply your thoughts about the other person.

The problem is that we have 60,000-70,000 thoughts a day. 90% of those we are not even aware of (sub-conscious).

So we’re talking about 54,000 thoughts – that you are not even aware of – that are running the love show!  

Are you picking up what I’m putting down?!!

These thoughts are part of your belief system – that started as a toddler when someone had a bad day and didn’t want to hug you – and it becomes the manual for your life.  

Most of us never stop to question how those beliefs are impacting our life – especially our love life. 

Most of us never stop to question what it’s costing us to keep those thoughts.  

I know I didn’t. Not until I found life coaching.  That’s when I started learning for myself what my thoughts were costing me.   

It was costing me love.  It was costing me years of being with my husband. It was costing me the children I wanted.  

So I did something about them.  I went to work.  With my head.

I now teach clients a 5 step process on how to date to marry – using their head. Cuz frankly, the eyebrow waxing didn’t work. (Nor the high heels or online profile pic or….)

Love is a head thing.  

The Key Belief to Enjoy Online Dating

This past weekend, I realized I was not enjoying the process.  

Not the process of dating, as I’m married, but an area of my life that I’ve been working on.

A series of unfortunate events happened between Friday night and Sunday night, and I’ll be honest.  I thought, this is for the birds.  

I’m out.  

But after I did my own coaching on this, I realized that me hating the process doesn’t make the process go away.  


It also doesn’t get me to my end goal faster.  If anything, it slows me down.

As I was thinking about my own journey through this process, it made me think of all the clients I have who hate online dating.  

They strongly believe it isn’t working.  It doesn’t work. They dread it.  

So here’s the key belief that got me to enjoy online dating AND what I remembered Monday morning when I had to recover from my weekend.

Consider dating to be a tunnel.  The dating tunnel.

Your man is at the end of it.  It’s a long, dark tunnel.  You’re actually not sure how long it will take for you to walk through it. 

But the tunnel is the way you get to the other side of the mountain.  Where you want to be. 

So every step you take, you can believe it’s not working. You can hate the tunnel.  Blame the tunnel for being long, dark and cold.  Make yourself depressed and miserable along the way. Maybe even give up.  Have a tantrum.  (“It’s not supposed to be this way/It should be easier!” – I know. I have the same thoughts) Go back.

Or you could believe it is working.  

Every step gets you closer.  It seems like it’s still the same dark, cold lonely tunnel with every step. Your brain will battle with you. It won’t seem like you’re any closer.

But. There WILL be light.  There WILL be an end.

You could be curious along the way.  Learn some new things.  Laugh.  Not focus on the darkness or the coldness. You could build belief and MAYBE…  Enjoy it.  

And then one day, you’re there.  

Choosing to believe it’s working is the difference.  

It’s your tunnel.  You get to choose. 

Waiting on God for a Husband

Are you waiting on God for a husband?

The thing is love IS romance/God/timing.

AND it’s what you do.

I kept waiting on God. I would go between blaming him for being alone, doubting if it was in the cards for me, and saying I was trusting him.

This belief kept me stuck. I didn’t take ownership for my part. There was no awareness for what I was doing and not doing. And if there was no awareness, there wasn’t a way for me to take responsibility and change.

We don’t wait on God for a job. We send resumes and network.

We don’t wait on God to lose weight. We take responsibility for our actions and we eat less sugar. I finally realized I was using God as an excuse for not taking the hard look at myself.

Taking responsibility and making changes in my love life was a lot harder than my blaming/trusting God.

But it was totally worth it.

Because when I did, I started unwinding toxic dating patterns. I started seeing how indecisive I was. I started discovering and attracting the right men for me. (And I met my husband!)

This is the work I get to share with my clients. It’s empowering and life giving and love finding. It can be yours too.

Go to the Work With Me page to get started.

This Wasn’t How I Thought It Would Be

I stepped into the mammogram room.  Dark, cold, and empty.   Hallow.  Kind of how I felt inside.  

It was sadness mixed with disappointment mixed with confusion.  

This wasn’t how I thought this part of my life would go.  42.  No kids.  Getting a mammogram, not an ultrasound.  It’s not that I didn’t think I’d ever have a mammogram.  I just thought I’d be a mom when I did. 

The tears sprang up.  I willed them to stay in as I listened to the nurse.

…The thing is…life is 50 – 50.  For everyone.   50% positive and 50% negative.

And what most of us do, and what I used to do, is spend the the 50% negative making it worse. We resist it, dwell in it, talk about it, worry about it, ignore it and all the while, we steal more time from the positive things in our life.

When the 50% negative comes, we act like it shouldn’t be there. 

For me, I used to swing from letting my emotions run me to shoving them in a closet somewhere, pulling up my bootstraps, and just moving on. 

Neither are healthy and neither help me become who I want to be.

So when I stumbled across LCS, I learned about this concept of 50/50.  I learned about accepting my feelings.  And I learned how to not let them control me.   

I learned how to feel them so I didn’t let it ruin my day.  I didn’t stifle them with a drink, or food, or retail therapy.  I learned that the hallow feeling is just that. A hallow feeling.

So after the doctor appointment, as I got in my car and shut the door, I just let the tears fall and I let myself feel sad and disappointed and confused.  

I thought about how I was feeling.  I thought about why I was feeling that way.  And just like that, after a few minutes, it went away.  

I let it go in a healthy way.  

A lot of women I know ignore, avoid, or resist their feelings.   They shove their feelings on a shelf so they can deal with the moment in front of them, but they never go back or learn how to manage the thoughts causing the feeling. They cling to tears, wine, food, “prayer” or their to-do list.  They feel guilt or anxiety or disappointment and turn to Facebook or cleaning the kitchen.     

That’s not what I’m talking about.   I’m talking about really feeling it, accepting it, letting it go, and then picking new thoughts and feelings.   

That’s where the power is. 

I am offering all amazing women who want to learn this same power, a free mini-coaching session.  Take 90 seconds and schedule it by clicking HERE.

You’ll learn about how to start having control over your emotions even when life isn’t how you thought it’d be.  DM me for details. 

P.S. My life is also 50% positive and THAT 50% is also not how I thought it would be. Ten years ago I didn’t imagine starting my own business, working from home, having flexible hours, being a dream dog mom, traveling with my husband, and coaching amazing women across the country. Even the thought “it’s not how I thought it’d be” goes both ways!

What is the ONE thing to focus on when you’re single & dating?

The 13 year-old girls I used to teach always told stories about the boys they were “dating”.  Dating?  Really?  I’m pretty sure it’ll be a few years before you know if “he’s the one”.  

And then you get to the college.

You’re both poor and eating Ramen, and still figuring out what you want “to do with your life”.  Or you’re so focused on your career, you don’t want to be distracted by dating.  ‘Cuz who’s got time for that?

Move on to your 20s, post-college time. For many women, you hope to marry in the next decade.  Surely you can meet a husband by then.  It’s not really asking a lot.  You graduated.  You have a somewhat steady job.  It is time for a man, sweet Jesus!

And then some women move into their 30s, and the pool of men gets smaller.  It’s like you moved from the neighborhood pool to the neighborhood baby pool. Except now you share the baby pool with your friends who married and are actually having babies.

What is happening, God?!  Do you know that I long for a husband and family?  Are you aware that you made a time limit on when I can have babies?!

I know each of these stages because I lived each one of them.

I met my husband at 36 and married when I was 37.  I know the lonely nights.  I know the awkward times at weddings without a date.  I know the set ups.  I know the internet dating sites.  I know what it’s like to complete the employee form or health insurance form and check the single box.  To list my old roommate as my local emergency contact.  And then start crying as soon as I get in the car.

Can you relate?  Were any of those feelings ones that left your heart aching?  Except maybe worse?

You know you can find someone to pass the time with.  You can find someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve and someone to text when you’re lonely on a Saturday night. 

You can find a date to keep you busy and distract you from the loneliness.

But is that enough for you?  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you are worthy of?  Or do you want to find your forever love?  Your forever man.

I don’t know you, but I am positive you want a forever love.  You want to marry the love of your life and then pursue life passionately together.  Passing time isn’t enough.

Don’t trade the shallow gratification of now for the deeper connection of forever.

You are worthy of more.  You want a man who knows your worth and is willing to go to great lengths to have your love.

Since I had the challenge and gift of being single until I was 37, many people ask me how I met my husband – especially because he is SO incredibly handsome, successful, and Godly.  Truly, I got a 10. 

Looking back, I followed 5 steps.  It was a process I did because it worked. 

It’s the same process I used to switch careers.  It’s the same process I used to lose weight.  To get out of debt.  And to start a coaching business that in 4 months was already more than what I was making as a part-time teacher.   

I teach my clients the 5 step process.  But here is the most important one.  

  • Discover your Love Blueprint.  
  • Rewrite your Love Blueprint.  

That seems like two, doesn’t it?  It’s really the same.  Once you discover it, almost simultaneously, you want to start reprogramming it.  

Here’s why it’s the MOST important step….

Your love blueprint is the plan.   It’s the set of patterns and beliefs you have that keep popping up in your dating life.  If you don’t discover it, and then rewrite it, no matter WHO you meet…or even marry…that crappy blueprint will show back up.  

It’s the plan your brain is following.  Without you even knowing it.  

(If you want to discover your love blueprint, I created a guide for you.  I also  created a guide to reprogram your love blueprint.  Just go to this page, and it’s yours FREE!)

Some of you are thinking – is that it?  I know.  I’m a type A kinda gal who would much rather have this list.

  1. Workout three times a week
  2. Text back only after initially texted to
  3. Don’t drink more than one glass of wine on the date
  4. Find out his favorite meal and cook it
  5. Smile non-stop the first three dates

That’s better, right?  You have much more control of these, and these are, by far, way easier to do.  These are all, actually, good suggestions.  Most men want a healthy, happy good cook who is confident and not a drunk.

This list, though, are the outcomes of my five step process.   And so is loving yourself,  loving your life, and falling in love.  

BUT.   I’m here to testify that this ONE thing is worth your time because it translates not just to a forever man, but to an amazing forever woman. And an amazing forever MARRIAGE.  

Let me reassure you – once I started focusing on this one thing, I became an even better woman. (You can get the guide here.)

And that’s when I found my forever man.  Praise sweet baby Jesus.

*This originally was written and posted in 2017 on my old blog. I’ve since revised it.

The Not-So-Sexy Secret To Love

Spoiler Alert!! What I’m about to tell you is NOT sexy.  It’s not glamorous. 

But it will help you find and stay in love.  Would you rather know sexy or would you rather know the secret?   

That’s what I thought. 

It’s the difference between anger and happiness.  Years of marriage or divorce.  

……..Love…… is a feeling. 

This doesn’t sound shocking to any of you, I know.  Keep reading.  That’s not the secret. 

There are some chemical reactions that create a love-type feeling, but those chemical reactions aren’t long lasting.  That’s attraction.  It comes and goes.   

I.e. When I looked at my husband for the first time, everything in me screamed Hotty McHotty!  All my chemicals were reacting! (I can still look at him and think this, actually)

But in the end, my attraction to him was not why I married him.  I married him because I felt love towards him.  Because I wanted to love him for the rest of my life.  

When you’re dating, you’re looking for the chemical reaction.  You’re wanting the guy to do something to cause you to fall in love.  And when it doesn’t happen, you decide the guy isn’t your person.  

When you’re married, you’re looking for the chemical reaction and for him to do something to cause you to feel love. And when it doesn’t, you decide the guy isn’t your person anymore.

This is where we go wrong, ladies!  This is where we throw the baby out with the bath water.  Listen up!

Love is a feeling…that another person doesn’t cause. 

Who causes it then? You do. 

It’s a feeling created by your thoughts.  

Not only is this scientifically true, but it’s personally-in-my-life true.  

Look at it this way.  If love was caused by the other person,  all marriages would eventually end because they’re depending on the other person to make them feel love every day. And because we’re humans and we can’t control our person, one of those days we will not feel love.  Maybe even several days. Or months.  

That means ALL marriages would end in divorce.  🙂  

Still not with me?  Let’s look at it another way.

In the past two weeks, I met a woman engaged to a guy who she said she just wasn’t attracted to at the beginning.  They remained friends for months and then one day, she wanted more.  

Nothing changed about him.  Her thoughts changed. 

And another friend of mine, who has been married for over a decade, told me that when she married her husband, she wasn’t that attracted to him!  She knew he was a good man and she loved him.  Now she’s attracted to him more than the day they got married.  

She loved him then and she loves him now.  

How did that happen?   Because her thoughts created the love she feels for him.   It wasn’t the attraction.  It wasn’t him.  

Yes,  love has a chemical component and yes, love is a verb.  

But the most important component – the one that you have complete control over – is that love is an emotion created by your mind.  

I know this isn’t as romantic as Cinderella or all the rom-coms.  It’s not poetic.  It will not be on the cover of Cosmo.  

But it’s the key to helping you find love.  Because it’s all in your hands.  Or, really, your mind. 

If you want to know more about this and learn more about how you can have more love in your life, connect with me here.  

Love + 

Natalie