The Key Belief to Enjoy Online Dating

This past weekend, I realized I was not enjoying the process.  

Not the process of dating, as I’m married, but an area of my life that I’ve been working on.

A series of unfortunate events happened between Friday night and Sunday night, and I’ll be honest.  I thought, this is for the birds.  

I’m out.  

But after I did my own coaching on this, I realized that me hating the process doesn’t make the process go away.  


It also doesn’t get me to my end goal faster.  If anything, it slows me down.

As I was thinking about my own journey through this process, it made me think of all the clients I have who hate online dating.  

They strongly believe it isn’t working.  It doesn’t work. They dread it.  

So here’s the key belief that got me to enjoy online dating AND what I remembered Monday morning when I had to recover from my weekend.

Consider dating to be a tunnel.  The dating tunnel.

Your man is at the end of it.  It’s a long, dark tunnel.  You’re actually not sure how long it will take for you to walk through it. 

But the tunnel is the way you get to the other side of the mountain.  Where you want to be. 

So every step you take, you can believe it’s not working. You can hate the tunnel.  Blame the tunnel for being long, dark and cold.  Make yourself depressed and miserable along the way. Maybe even give up.  Have a tantrum.  (“It’s not supposed to be this way/It should be easier!” – I know. I have the same thoughts) Go back.

Or you could believe it is working.  

Every step gets you closer.  It seems like it’s still the same dark, cold lonely tunnel with every step. Your brain will battle with you. It won’t seem like you’re any closer.

But. There WILL be light.  There WILL be an end.

You could be curious along the way.  Learn some new things.  Laugh.  Not focus on the darkness or the coldness. You could build belief and MAYBE…  Enjoy it.  

And then one day, you’re there.  

Choosing to believe it’s working is the difference.  

It’s your tunnel.  You get to choose. 

Waiting on God for a Husband

Are you waiting on God for a husband?

The thing is love IS romance/God/timing.

AND it’s what you do.

I kept waiting on God. I would go between blaming him for being alone, doubting if it was in the cards for me, and saying I was trusting him.

This belief kept me stuck. I didn’t take ownership for my part. There was no awareness for what I was doing and not doing. And if there was no awareness, there wasn’t a way for me to take responsibility and change.

We don’t wait on God for a job. We send resumes and network.

We don’t wait on God to lose weight. We take responsibility for our actions and we eat less sugar. I finally realized I was using God as an excuse for not taking the hard look at myself.

Taking responsibility and making changes in my love life was a lot harder than my blaming/trusting God.

But it was totally worth it.

Because when I did, I started unwinding toxic dating patterns. I started seeing how indecisive I was. I started discovering and attracting the right men for me. (And I met my husband!)

This is the work I get to share with my clients. It’s empowering and life giving and love finding. It can be yours too.

Go to the Work With Me page to get started.

Self-Confidence is Three Things

Self-confidence is 3 things.

  1. The ability to trust yourself
  2. Your opinion of yourself
  3. Knowing that you can experience any emotion

If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said I had confidence. Confidence in my skills as a teacher or being disciplined.

But trusting my decisions? A high opinion of myself? Experiencing ANY emotion?!!! I think no.

You are not born with it. It’s a skill I’ve developed and I practice. It’s not a one and done.

I help my clients develop & practice it. Some need more help with trusting themselves and some need more help with their opinion of themselves.

But ALL need help knowing that you can experience any emotion. Which helps you embrace discomfort to get to your dreams. 💫💍👰🏻👩‍❤️‍👨👩🏻‍⚖️👩🏻‍🔬

Your self-confidence is tied to your dreams. I can help you build one to get to the other. You can schedule a call to get started here.

In the meantime, here are three books that helped me build trust in myself, increase my opinion of myself, and helped me learn more about experiencing emotions.

  1. Finding Your Own North Star by Carol Beck
  2. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
  3. You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
  4. Untamed by Gabby
  5. Soul Detox by Craig Groeshel

I Am Here

I am here.  

I am here to admire the blue skies.   

I am here to breathe using my healthy lungs.

I am here to savor clean drinking water.   

I am here to experience the anxiety when I go to the store.

I am here to create fun memories cooking with my husband.

I am here to help my clients. 

I am here to wonder what will happen to my parents, my family, my future.

I am here to imagine all the creativity and innovation and love that will transpire from this.

I am here to fear.

I am here to love.

I am here.

I will not stop living ahead of time.  

I will take all of it.  Because I am here.   

Thankful you are here with me too.

Stay healthy & be love,

Natalie

P.S. I am grateful for you.  For you reading this.   For your heart.  Your fears.  Your life.  You are here.  Right now.  Don’t miss all this life has to offer.  

Loving Your Life In The Meantime

We’ve all had times in our life when it seems as if nothing is going right, God is absent, and you’re waiting for something to change.

If there’s anything I’ve learned through recessions, heartbreaks, loneliness, and career turmoil, I’ve learned that I always have the choice to love my life in the meantime. Right now. As it is. With all of it’s messiness.

In fact, I’d go so far to say that as I learned to love my life as it is, I started figuring out the life I wanted to have. And things started happening that got me the life I wanted. Things started to change.

So I have four things you can do to love your life in the meantime. I’m not going to say while you wait because to me, that means you sit around waiting for someone to give you what you want. Like you’re waiting for it to happen to you. Your life doesn’t happen to you. But that’s for another post…

Be Grateful

Being grateful is the most important and powerful way to start loving your life. Write a list every day. Think it & feel it. Be grateful for what you DO have. And be grateful for what is to come. For the future life you are making. For the prayers to be answered. There’s absolutely no harm in being grateful ahead of time. It’s practicing belief.

Own Your Life

Owning your life is super empowering. You also start to see how it can change. When you take 100% ownership and responsibility for where you’re at, you begin to see how you’re responsible for creating it. I’m not talking about being let go from a job or being broken up with. But you can own your response to these things. Are you choosing to dwell in the past? Are you choosing to think negatively about your old work or your future options? Did you choose guys that you know aren’t long-term material? Did you choose a guy who walked all over you? As you own your life and your choices, you can begin to accept it and love it for what it is. (Doesn’t mean you don’t change it though!)

Make a List

Make a list of all the things you can control. Then make a list of all the things you can’t. Why? Because some of us need to be reminded we can’t control the Coronavirus. But we can control how often we wash our hands, our mindset, our feelings. Most of us have more control than we think. I know I stayed in a job for years thinking it was out of my control. I used God as a scapegoat. Once I realized I had a major part in my life, I had the courage to switch careers. Knowing what you can and cannot control is super empowering and something else to be grateful for!

Write a story

Write a story of your life where you are the leading lady, the hero. That means you have to force your brain to see all good things and how could be the hero of it. Then write (or add chapters) the story of you being the leading lady of right now and her future. How does she show up in today’s current circumstances? What does she think about herself? What does she decide to change in her life? What does she keep? Really write a story where you show up right now as the leading lady. Because you are.

Loving your life does not always mean you love everything about it. It doesn’t even mean that you love all the things in it – your travel, parties, job.

It’s about loving what is. Unconditional love. And from that, being empowered to make the changes you do want.

Where Your Mind Goes, Your Life Follows

It was 3 a.m. and my mind wouldn’t stop racing.  It was thinking about the friend who no longer is a friend, although she keeps me around on FB.  Basically ghosted me.  My parents who are getting older.  The coronovirus.  

I was anxious and I couldn’t stop worrying.  This lasted about 10 minutes when this thought popped in my head:

‘Where my mind goes, my feelings follow.’

Since my mind was going to all the problems and what-ifs in the world, then fear was following!  

What I tell my clients, especially younger ones, feelings are signals.  Letting you know something is happening either in your body – like food poison – or in your mind – like thoughts.  

They’re also like my dog.   Willie.  Where I go, he goes.  If I walk down the stairs,  his little tail is swinging behind me.  If I open the kitchen pantry, Willie appears.  

It’s what feelings do also.  They follow your thoughts. They appear wherever you send your mind.

More than that, though, where your mind goes, your LIFE follows.  

Your life – your money, your weight, your career, your relationships – are a result of all those 60,000 thoughts you have flying around on a daily basis. Most of us have no clue how they are running the show. We just keep going.

So here’s a chance to slow down. Where is your mind going?  Where does it go most of the day? Because that’s a great indicator of where your life will go too.  

Don’t like the track it’s on? No? Want to create a different life? A different result. Yes? Then you have the opportunity everyday too. It’s what I help my clients do every day.

As I realized that I wasn’t really anxious, I just was letting my mind focus on anxious thoughts, I let them go.  I focused on the power of knowing where my mind goes, my life follows.  

And I went to sleep.  With Willie close by.

This Wasn’t How I Thought It Would Be

I stepped into the mammogram room.  Dark, cold, and empty.   Hallow.  Kind of how I felt inside.  

It was sadness mixed with disappointment mixed with confusion.  

This wasn’t how I thought this part of my life would go.  42.  No kids.  Getting a mammogram, not an ultrasound.  It’s not that I didn’t think I’d ever have a mammogram.  I just thought I’d be a mom when I did. 

The tears sprang up.  I willed them to stay in as I listened to the nurse.

…The thing is…life is 50 – 50.  For everyone.   50% positive and 50% negative.

And what most of us do, and what I used to do, is spend the the 50% negative making it worse. We resist it, dwell in it, talk about it, worry about it, ignore it and all the while, we steal more time from the positive things in our life.

When the 50% negative comes, we act like it shouldn’t be there. 

For me, I used to swing from letting my emotions run me to shoving them in a closet somewhere, pulling up my bootstraps, and just moving on. 

Neither are healthy and neither help me become who I want to be.

So when I stumbled across LCS, I learned about this concept of 50/50.  I learned about accepting my feelings.  And I learned how to not let them control me.   

I learned how to feel them so I didn’t let it ruin my day.  I didn’t stifle them with a drink, or food, or retail therapy.  I learned that the hallow feeling is just that. A hallow feeling.

So after the doctor appointment, as I got in my car and shut the door, I just let the tears fall and I let myself feel sad and disappointed and confused.  

I thought about how I was feeling.  I thought about why I was feeling that way.  And just like that, after a few minutes, it went away.  

I let it go in a healthy way.  

A lot of women I know ignore, avoid, or resist their feelings.   They shove their feelings on a shelf so they can deal with the moment in front of them, but they never go back or learn how to manage the thoughts causing the feeling. They cling to tears, wine, food, “prayer” or their to-do list.  They feel guilt or anxiety or disappointment and turn to Facebook or cleaning the kitchen.     

That’s not what I’m talking about.   I’m talking about really feeling it, accepting it, letting it go, and then picking new thoughts and feelings.   

That’s where the power is. 

I am offering all amazing women who want to learn this same power, a free mini-coaching session.  Take 90 seconds and schedule it by clicking HERE.

You’ll learn about how to start having control over your emotions even when life isn’t how you thought it’d be.  DM me for details. 

P.S. My life is also 50% positive and THAT 50% is also not how I thought it would be. Ten years ago I didn’t imagine starting my own business, working from home, having flexible hours, being a dream dog mom, traveling with my husband, and coaching amazing women across the country. Even the thought “it’s not how I thought it’d be” goes both ways!

What is the ONE thing to focus on when you’re single & dating?

The 13 year-old girls I used to teach always told stories about the boys they were “dating”.  Dating?  Really?  I’m pretty sure it’ll be a few years before you know if “he’s the one”.  

And then you get to the college.

You’re both poor and eating Ramen, and still figuring out what you want “to do with your life”.  Or you’re so focused on your career, you don’t want to be distracted by dating.  ‘Cuz who’s got time for that?

Move on to your 20s, post-college time. For many women, you hope to marry in the next decade.  Surely you can meet a husband by then.  It’s not really asking a lot.  You graduated.  You have a somewhat steady job.  It is time for a man, sweet Jesus!

And then some women move into their 30s, and the pool of men gets smaller.  It’s like you moved from the neighborhood pool to the neighborhood baby pool. Except now you share the baby pool with your friends who married and are actually having babies.

What is happening, God?!  Do you know that I long for a husband and family?  Are you aware that you made a time limit on when I can have babies?!

I know each of these stages because I lived each one of them.

I met my husband at 36 and married when I was 37.  I know the lonely nights.  I know the awkward times at weddings without a date.  I know the set ups.  I know the internet dating sites.  I know what it’s like to complete the employee form or health insurance form and check the single box.  To list my old roommate as my local emergency contact.  And then start crying as soon as I get in the car.

Can you relate?  Were any of those feelings ones that left your heart aching?  Except maybe worse?

You know you can find someone to pass the time with.  You can find someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve and someone to text when you’re lonely on a Saturday night. 

You can find a date to keep you busy and distract you from the loneliness.

But is that enough for you?  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you are worthy of?  Or do you want to find your forever love?  Your forever man.

I don’t know you, but I am positive you want a forever love.  You want to marry the love of your life and then pursue life passionately together.  Passing time isn’t enough.

Don’t trade the shallow gratification of now for the deeper connection of forever.

You are worthy of more.  You want a man who knows your worth and is willing to go to great lengths to have your love.

Since I had the challenge and gift of being single until I was 37, many people ask me how I met my husband – especially because he is SO incredibly handsome, successful, and Godly.  Truly, I got a 10. 

Looking back, I followed 5 steps.  It was a process I did because it worked. 

It’s the same process I used to switch careers.  It’s the same process I used to lose weight.  To get out of debt.  And to start a coaching business that in 4 months was already more than what I was making as a part-time teacher.   

I teach my clients the 5 step process.  But here is the most important one.  

  • Discover your Love Blueprint.  
  • Rewrite your Love Blueprint.  

That seems like two, doesn’t it?  It’s really the same.  Once you discover it, almost simultaneously, you want to start reprogramming it.  

Here’s why it’s the MOST important step….

Your love blueprint is the plan.   It’s the set of patterns and beliefs you have that keep popping up in your dating life.  If you don’t discover it, and then rewrite it, no matter WHO you meet…or even marry…that crappy blueprint will show back up.  

It’s the plan your brain is following.  Without you even knowing it.  

(If you want to discover your love blueprint, I created a guide for you.  I also  created a guide to reprogram your love blueprint.  Just go to this page, and it’s yours FREE!)

Some of you are thinking – is that it?  I know.  I’m a type A kinda gal who would much rather have this list.

  1. Workout three times a week
  2. Text back only after initially texted to
  3. Don’t drink more than one glass of wine on the date
  4. Find out his favorite meal and cook it
  5. Smile non-stop the first three dates

That’s better, right?  You have much more control of these, and these are, by far, way easier to do.  These are all, actually, good suggestions.  Most men want a healthy, happy good cook who is confident and not a drunk.

This list, though, are the outcomes of my five step process.   And so is loving yourself,  loving your life, and falling in love.  

BUT.   I’m here to testify that this ONE thing is worth your time because it translates not just to a forever man, but to an amazing forever woman. And an amazing forever MARRIAGE.  

Let me reassure you – once I started focusing on this one thing, I became an even better woman. (You can get the guide here.)

And that’s when I found my forever man.  Praise sweet baby Jesus.

*This originally was written and posted in 2017 on my old blog. I’ve since revised it.

The single step that moved me out of stuck & into forward

Everyone has a story.

Nicole grew up with an emotional roller coaster of a family that had poor communication. She had few friends & never learned real connection. She had her heart broken by a man she thought she’d marry. She kept trying to find her place in the world with a guy or career, but nothing worked. All her friends moved on without her. She could barely afford her rent & food each month.

Wendy had a better life. Her family lived comfortably and traveled all over the world. They were told how close they all were all the time. She was extremely smart and was placed in advanced classes through college. She had a line of guys calling and asking her out well into her 30s. Everywhere she went, people loved being around her. She went on to get a graduate degree, be a master of her craft, & win awards. Wendy became a leader in her field and bought a home in one of the nicest areas of her city.

Why is it that Wendy had such a great life and Nicole didn’t? Especially when they’re the same person. Yep. Nicole and Wendy are me. NW.

Each story is true. But only one helped me move forward in life.

We all have stories were telling ourselves all day long. The way authors can’t describe everything that happens to a hero changes the kind of story it is. It determines if it’s a comedy, tragedy, romance, or adventure.

If we’re all telling ourselves stories all day, then why don’t we tell the story we want to tell? Why not tell the story that fuels us forward?

This might seem like Positive Polly to you. It’s not. I’m not asking you to deny the other story. (If you focused on the negative ones, wouldn’t you be denying the positive?)

Neither story is the absolute truth but only one actually helps you.

So now what?

I want you to story tell.

Tell the story in which you, the hero, is a problem solver rather than a victim.

Imagine what Oprah could tell about her life. One that she was poor and treated poorly because of her race, or the one she makes millions and is a global star & influencer. One will keep her believing she is a victim and the other one will keep her believing she can do what she says she can do.

Here’s what you can do.

  1. Write a timeline of major events in your life.
  2. Read it & decide if it’s a positive or negative story.
  3. Rewrite it as you’re the victim, the damsel in distress, the poor soul.
  4. Rewrite it as a comedy and full of humor and laughter.
  5. Rewrite it as an adventure and you are the Wonder Woman.

You’ll see the power as you do it. Trust me. This storytelling is an effective therapeutic step to your mental and emotional freedom, personal power, and mastery of circumstances.

When I did it, I could see that I was choosing to see my circumstances as if I was a victim instead of being the hero. I saw that just by choosing to tell myself a different story, I could live a different story. Hope & freedom & grit sprouted. And I started being the kind of woman I wanted to see as the main character in my life. The hero.

And if you’re like me, you’ll also realize you’ve had the power all along, my dear. You just had to see it for yourself. (Glenda the Good Witch, Wizard of Oz)

“Most people think they’ll believe in their own potential for success when they see I; the truth is, you’ll see it the very instant you decide to believe it.” – Martha Beck.

(This exercise was originally given to me by Martha Beck, life coach extraordinaire.)

The Not-So-Sexy Secret To Love

Spoiler Alert!! What I’m about to tell you is NOT sexy.  It’s not glamorous. 

But it will help you find and stay in love.  Would you rather know sexy or would you rather know the secret?   

That’s what I thought. 

It’s the difference between anger and happiness.  Years of marriage or divorce.  

……..Love…… is a feeling. 

This doesn’t sound shocking to any of you, I know.  Keep reading.  That’s not the secret. 

There are some chemical reactions that create a love-type feeling, but those chemical reactions aren’t long lasting.  That’s attraction.  It comes and goes.   

I.e. When I looked at my husband for the first time, everything in me screamed Hotty McHotty!  All my chemicals were reacting! (I can still look at him and think this, actually)

But in the end, my attraction to him was not why I married him.  I married him because I felt love towards him.  Because I wanted to love him for the rest of my life.  

When you’re dating, you’re looking for the chemical reaction.  You’re wanting the guy to do something to cause you to fall in love.  And when it doesn’t happen, you decide the guy isn’t your person.  

When you’re married, you’re looking for the chemical reaction and for him to do something to cause you to feel love. And when it doesn’t, you decide the guy isn’t your person anymore.

This is where we go wrong, ladies!  This is where we throw the baby out with the bath water.  Listen up!

Love is a feeling…that another person doesn’t cause. 

Who causes it then? You do. 

It’s a feeling created by your thoughts.  

Not only is this scientifically true, but it’s personally-in-my-life true.  

Look at it this way.  If love was caused by the other person,  all marriages would eventually end because they’re depending on the other person to make them feel love every day. And because we’re humans and we can’t control our person, one of those days we will not feel love.  Maybe even several days. Or months.  

That means ALL marriages would end in divorce.  🙂  

Still not with me?  Let’s look at it another way.

In the past two weeks, I met a woman engaged to a guy who she said she just wasn’t attracted to at the beginning.  They remained friends for months and then one day, she wanted more.  

Nothing changed about him.  Her thoughts changed. 

And another friend of mine, who has been married for over a decade, told me that when she married her husband, she wasn’t that attracted to him!  She knew he was a good man and she loved him.  Now she’s attracted to him more than the day they got married.  

She loved him then and she loves him now.  

How did that happen?   Because her thoughts created the love she feels for him.   It wasn’t the attraction.  It wasn’t him.  

Yes,  love has a chemical component and yes, love is a verb.  

But the most important component – the one that you have complete control over – is that love is an emotion created by your mind.  

I know this isn’t as romantic as Cinderella or all the rom-coms.  It’s not poetic.  It will not be on the cover of Cosmo.  

But it’s the key to helping you find love.  Because it’s all in your hands.  Or, really, your mind. 

If you want to know more about this and learn more about how you can have more love in your life, connect with me here.  

Love + 

Natalie