Two Things To Do When It Feels Like You Don’t Belong

Dear Santa – please help me belong.  

How many of you have thought similarly to this 9 year old little girl?  

What’s funny, is that there is always some reason in our head that seems SO TRUE to justify why we don’t belong.

Like I would swear in the court of law that I don’t belong because I’m a half-Hispanic, half-white who looks Asian, non-Spanish speaking step-mom with no kids of her own.  Seems totally legit to me. 

Other reasons that SEEM SO legit.  

You don’t have a boyfriend.  

You’re not married.  

You don’t have kids.  

You don’t have the same job as everyone else in your circle.  

You’re the top leader in your organization.  

You aren’t from the South.  You look different from the others.  

You like yoga.  

I know.  Some of these have been/are my reasons.  But they could be yours too.

Whether it IS true or not, our heads are thinking some thought that’s telling our hearts to feel rejected or alone or odd.  

The thoughts are the reasons that seem so legit.  

The fact that you don’t have a boyfriend does NOT automatically mean you don’t belong, contrary to what your brain believes. 

You “belong” in the singles box to check at the doctor’s office. That’s all.

Your HEAD is making it mean that you don’t belong in life.  That it means you are unloveable, a failure, a reject.

There are two things to really help your brain start overcoming this battle in your mind.  

First. What if you just notice how the feeling of unloved, rejected, or disliked feels?  It’s not going to hurt you.  It’s not going to kill you.  But you have to feel it to know that.  

Second. After you meet it head on, step back and make a list (or T-chart since I used to be a teacher) of fact vs. thoughts. 

Not married.  – Fact (provable in court – no human could win against you)

I don’t belong. – Thought

Not born in the South – Fact (provable in court; no human could win against you)

I’m not like anyone from here. – Thought

It comes down to really what your 3rd grade teacher taught you, ha, ha.  Look at Fact vs. Opinion (Thoughts).  

These two steps alone start exposing your brain to the lies it believes.  First lie – that you’ll die if you feel rejection or alone. Second lie – all the thoughts that are convincing you what isn’t true.  

And then you keep the battle of the mind going with giving it new things to believe about those facts.  

This is the work I do with my clients.  This is the work I’d do with you.  Email me anytime.  nataliewilsoncoaching@gmail.com

You do belong, but I’m not the one who can convince you. Only you can.  

Best Case Scenario – A Decision Making Tool

Here’s one tool I teach my clients.  Best Case Scenario.  

You have a decision to make. Let’s say there are two options. Decide now that both options will turn out to be perfect – exactly how you’d want them to go. If that were the case, which one would you choose?  

That’s it. That’s the tool. Seems so simple and not effective, right?  I know. But try it. 

Here’s an example.

Recently, my husband and I found a house that just had framing up and we loved the floor plan.  It was perfect for our small family. And, if we bought now, we could finish building it.  We’d get to pick all the things.  So fun!

However, it was located much farther from my 2nd job and it was outside of our big city.  Away from all the restaurants and shops and activities we like to do.

We had to decide and we had to decide fast if we wanted to pick all the things.

Do we sell our home in Atlanta which is smaller and farther away from Darin’s work, and buy the bigger, newer home outside of Atlanta, or do we stay?

If we stay, we have to save more money to buy the type of house we want in the area we want.  And we’re not completely sure we’d find a house with this great of a floor plan.  

So how did I finally decide? Best Case Scenario. If all things worked out, and we moved out to the suburbs and loved our house and neighbors and restaurants and shopping or if we stayed and we saved up money in the next year and a half and found an amazing house in this location, which one did I really want?  

We stayed.  

Using The Best Case Scenario takes off the need to analyze all of the what-ifs, the cons, and constantly think about what could go wrong.  It makes a decision out of strength and abundance, not fear and scarcity.  

It’s so simple, and so effective.

Try it out and let me know how it works for you. Then try to share it with your teen!  

This Is Who I AM

Stop thinking “This Is Who I Am”.

Start thinking “Who Do I Want To Become?”  

I heard these words from a 17 year old motivational millionaire.

You see he used to believe he was not confident and couldn’t speak in front of people.  He just got paid $60,000 to speak for an hour in front of thousands of people. 

But more importantly, he says that numerous people have told him after a speech that they had been thinking about suicide and because of his speech, they were no longer going to kill themselves. 

Caleb said – If I had just said “I am not a speaker.  I am not a confident person” and never became the confident speaker I am, those people might have taken their lives.  

He wasn’t okay with just saying “This is who I am.”  

These are ones I’ve heard from friends & family lately.  These are who you just BELIEVE you are.  It’s not actually a fact.  Which means you can change your belief. 

“I am just a control freak.”“I am a people pleaser.”“I am a late person.”“I am an introvert.”“I am a 3 on the Enneagram.”“I just like food.”“I am busy.”“I am not disciplined.”“I am just an anxious person.”“I am just laid-back.”“I don’t really have goals.”“I don’t belong.”

This is a fixed mindset.  A static mindset.  A static, fixed person doesn’t change or grow.  

A growth mindset starts working on changing their mind. To change their life.

  •  “I can learn to let go of control.  I can let go of control.  I don’t have to have control.”  
  • “It’s possible to like food and say no to a brownie.  I can say no to a brownie.  I want to say no to a brownie.  I will say no.”
  • “I can learn to be on time.  I can be on time.  I will do everything I can to be on time.  I am on time.”  

What I just shared with you is a tool called Ladder Thoughts that I teach my clients to use to grow from one belief to another.  You baby step your way to a new belief.  

However, ladder thoughts don’t just magically give you a new mindset.  

You have to PRACTICE believing each one.  Writing them, listening to them, reading them, visualizing them, saying them to yourself.  Every day.  

This is unbelievable make-your-life-better-and-grow gold!!

Questions to ask yourself (Caleb’s), ladder thoughts, and how to practice it.  

Friends – Start doing these three things today! Let me know if you have any questions I can help answer!

XO – Natalie