The Not-So-Sexy Secret To Love

Spoiler Alert!! What I’m about to tell you is NOT sexy.  It’s not glamorous. 

But it will help you find and stay in love.  Would you rather know sexy or would you rather know the secret?   

That’s what I thought. 

It’s the difference between anger and happiness.  Years of marriage or divorce.  

……..Love…… is a feeling. 

This doesn’t sound shocking to any of you, I know.  Keep reading.  That’s not the secret. 

There are some chemical reactions that create a love-type feeling, but those chemical reactions aren’t long lasting.  That’s attraction.  It comes and goes.   

I.e. When I looked at my husband for the first time, everything in me screamed Hotty McHotty!  All my chemicals were reacting! (I can still look at him and think this, actually)

But in the end, my attraction to him was not why I married him.  I married him because I felt love towards him.  Because I wanted to love him for the rest of my life.  

When you’re dating, you’re looking for the chemical reaction.  You’re wanting the guy to do something to cause you to fall in love.  And when it doesn’t happen, you decide the guy isn’t your person.  

When you’re married, you’re looking for the chemical reaction and for him to do something to cause you to feel love. And when it doesn’t, you decide the guy isn’t your person anymore.

This is where we go wrong, ladies!  This is where we throw the baby out with the bath water.  Listen up!

Love is a feeling…that another person doesn’t cause. 

Who causes it then? You do. 

It’s a feeling created by your thoughts.  

Not only is this scientifically true, but it’s personally-in-my-life true.  

Look at it this way.  If love was caused by the other person,  all marriages would eventually end because they’re depending on the other person to make them feel love every day. And because we’re humans and we can’t control our person, one of those days we will not feel love.  Maybe even several days. Or months.  

That means ALL marriages would end in divorce.  🙂  

Still not with me?  Let’s look at it another way.

In the past two weeks, I met a woman engaged to a guy who she said she just wasn’t attracted to at the beginning.  They remained friends for months and then one day, she wanted more.  

Nothing changed about him.  Her thoughts changed. 

And another friend of mine, who has been married for over a decade, told me that when she married her husband, she wasn’t that attracted to him!  She knew he was a good man and she loved him.  Now she’s attracted to him more than the day they got married.  

She loved him then and she loves him now.  

How did that happen?   Because her thoughts created the love she feels for him.   It wasn’t the attraction.  It wasn’t him.  

Yes,  love has a chemical component and yes, love is a verb.  

But the most important component – the one that you have complete control over – is that love is an emotion created by your mind.  

I know this isn’t as romantic as Cinderella or all the rom-coms.  It’s not poetic.  It will not be on the cover of Cosmo.  

But it’s the key to helping you find love.  Because it’s all in your hands.  Or, really, your mind. 

If you want to know more about this and learn more about how you can have more love in your life, connect with me here.  

Love + 


It’s The Hard That Makes Things Good

What’s hard for you, friend?  

I don’t want to sound insensitive, but a lot of what we think is hard is just our minds annoyed by our daily life.  Our minds default to our jobs, being a mom, dating.  

But is it really hard or do we just automatically feel that way because we don’t want to do it? 

Our minds like to automatically complain, find the negative, and be safe even when it’s actually not that hard.  Our minds can even take things that are BORING and convince us that they’re HARD.  

What is it that pushes you outside your comfort zone hard?  Pushes you to become a better version of yourself?  

The “this feels scary as sh&*” and “I don’t know if I can do this” hard.  

It could be for some of us that it is a loved one getting an illness.  It could be getting married, dating, having a kid, or birthing a business.  

Or it could just be as simple as allowing yourself to dream.  Or committing to 3 times a week of real exercise.  

Tom Hanks says “It’s the hard that makes things good” in A League Of Their Own and it rings true in real life, not just on the field.  

I want to encourage you with that today.

Whatever you think is hard, find how it’s good.  Find how it’s pushing you to be the next best version of yourself.  

And when you know it’s hard and it’s pushing you to grow, tell yourself what I tell myself. “I can do hard things.”

Because then it’s not just “hard”.  Then it becomes “good”.