How Fear Of Rejection Lost

My favorite week of the year just happened.  My step-kids came and went.  On the last day as  they were packing up the car to go, I got more and more nervous.  Were they going to let me hug them?  Would they say good-bye?  Should I say I love you to them now or together as they leave or what?  

I feared being rejected by them before they had the chance to reject me.  

And in my fear, I said nothing.  I let them walk out with just a hug, a thank you, and a wave.  

Then I sat on my couch and cried.  I cried because they were gone, yes.  But I also cried because I let my fear win.  I rejected myself before they had the chance to. 

What’s crazy about the fear of rejection, too, is that the fear is what was making the rejection so much worse.  The anticipation of it. Like a shot at the doctor.

What’s awesome, though, is I knew it.  I was at least aware this time.

I sat there crying and I KNEW it.  I knew what I had done, what I was avoiding, and I was NOT going to let fear win completely.  

I practiced allowing the fear. I felt the tears, my heart in my throat, my clammy hands.  I felt the fear and the rejection for a good two minutes.

And then I moved on.  

I wanted to love them. I wanted to show up loving them.  I wanted to love myself.  They don’t get to decide any of those things.

Even if they don’t return the I love you, I can still love them.  

My love for them doesn’t rest on them returning their love for me.   

So I picked up my phone, and I texted.  “I miss you already.  I love you lots.  Heart.” One to Drew and one to Mara.  

One texted me back with an I love you. One did not.  

At this point, I could control my thoughts, and I didn’t take it personal.  

It doesn’t matter if they returned the I love you.  I loved them and myself enough to do it.  I love greatly, so I had to risk greatly.  And sometimes that means for myself too.  

This Is Who I AM

Stop thinking “This Is Who I Am”.

Start thinking “Who Do I Want To Become?”  

I heard these words from a 17 year old motivational millionaire.

You see he used to believe he was not confident and couldn’t speak in front of people.  He just got paid $60,000 to speak for an hour in front of thousands of people. 

But more importantly, he says that numerous people have told him after a speech that they had been thinking about suicide and because of his speech, they were no longer going to kill themselves. 

Caleb said – If I had just said “I am not a speaker.  I am not a confident person” and never became the confident speaker I am, those people might have taken their lives.  

He wasn’t okay with just saying “This is who I am.”  

These are ones I’ve heard from friends & family lately.  These are who you just BELIEVE you are.  It’s not actually a fact.  Which means you can change your belief. 

“I am just a control freak.”“I am a people pleaser.”“I am a late person.”“I am an introvert.”“I am a 3 on the Enneagram.”“I just like food.”“I am busy.”“I am not disciplined.”“I am just an anxious person.”“I am just laid-back.”“I don’t really have goals.”“I don’t belong.”

This is a fixed mindset.  A static mindset.  A static, fixed person doesn’t change or grow.  

A growth mindset starts working on changing their mind. To change their life.

  •  “I can learn to let go of control.  I can let go of control.  I don’t have to have control.”  
  • “It’s possible to like food and say no to a brownie.  I can say no to a brownie.  I want to say no to a brownie.  I will say no.”
  • “I can learn to be on time.  I can be on time.  I will do everything I can to be on time.  I am on time.”  

What I just shared with you is a tool called Ladder Thoughts that I teach my clients to use to grow from one belief to another.  You baby step your way to a new belief.  

However, ladder thoughts don’t just magically give you a new mindset.  

You have to PRACTICE believing each one.  Writing them, listening to them, reading them, visualizing them, saying them to yourself.  Every day.  

This is unbelievable make-your-life-better-and-grow gold!!

Questions to ask yourself (Caleb’s), ladder thoughts, and how to practice it.  

Friends – Start doing these three things today! Let me know if you have any questions I can help answer!

XO – Natalie

Stop Fear – Using ‘What If’ To Help

Our brains are wired to keep us safe.  When we have to make a decision, it pops up with a lot of questions.  

What if it doesn’t work out?  What if I fail?  What if no one likes it?  What if I can’t do it?  

90% of our fears are tied in these negative imaginative scenarios.  

We never are asking “what if that bear eats me?”  “what if I can’t find food tonight for dinner?”  “what if my pack leaves and I get eaten by wolves?”  

Those are the questions your brain is created to ask to cause fear to cause you to fight or flight.  Thank you, Lord.  I don’t want to be eaten by bears. Or wolves.

But do you you see what is happening?  90% of your fears are a result of poor management of the mind.  

Fear – real fear – isn’t keeping you back, your mind is.  

Those What If Scenarios as they are happening right now aren’t helping you AT ALL.  

The first step to start flipping that pattern is that you must become aware of the thought patterns tied to your worry, fear, and anxiety.  That’s the first few weeks of work I do with my clients.  

Once you start becoming aware of how your thought patterns are interrupting your goals and forward action, the second step is you start learning to replace the thoughts. 

We switch the negative What If Scenarios for positive ones.  

What if I nail it?  What if I win?  What if I lose the weight? What if I hit my goal?  What if I love it?  What if everyone loves it?  What if it’s the best thing I’ve ever done?

Those will actually serve you.  They’ll inspire you. Inspire you to work, to try, to create, and to live.  

Those questions help you create what is possible instead of shutting down and staying stuck. 

For some thoughts, flipping them is just like flipping a switch.   For others, it takes time to create that new pattern.  

Either way, it’s worth it.  It’s worth the time and effort to stop living stuck and in fear and start living with inspiration.  

So friends, following up what I wrote yesterday – What if I went ALL IN?  I challenge you to start using What If Scenarios to serve you!  

Questions To Ask To Help Your Brain Commit

The way you do one thing is the way you do anything.  That’s what my coach tells me. 

This hit me like a whiff of really strong perfume. Eyes opened!

You see, I have always done pretty well with my weight, my exercise, my finances and even my time – I could coast just above average.  A solid B+/A-.

This week, I started thinking. I ignore my alarm. I hit the snooze button. I choose to do one more thing in the ten minutes I “think” I have which creates me being late.

And if what my coach says is true, I lack commitment to my schedule, which means I also don’t commit to my financial budget or my food plan. 

Ugh. I had a bad feeling this was legit.

Yep, I “cheat” here and there with my budget and food too, and since I know how to just do enough, I fluctuate 2-4 lbs and never bounce checks.

I am technically late to things, but rarely am late to where I miss the beginning of things which don’t really “count”. “No harm done”.

Even when I was in college, I rarely studied and got a solid A-. In high school, I rarely studied, and I was top 15%, not top 5%.

Yep, this is legit.

I realize I had this thought ‘Why push myself and go ALL IN?’ I was coasting very well with little commitment and little effort.

And then I thought – What if I went ALL IN?  What if I committed to doing it 100%?  What would my results look like?  What would I create for myself?  Who would I become?  

WhenI realized this, my mind WAS BLOWN. I have been living my life coasting. From teen to 40. Not really committing to much and also not really shining. I’ve been holding myself back.

So I immediately decided my schedule was where I could really transform. Schedule my day, honor my commitments, show up for myself and others. And look out for who I am becoming!

Finishing up week one and have already blown my mind. I was EARLY to lunch with a friend. I did EVERYTHING on my schedule, down to the exact podcast I wrote I’d listen to.

ALL IN.

What about you? What if you showed up 100% in your life even if it was just ONE thing? You’d blow your mind, wouldn’t you?

Share this with your teen. Challenge them to go ALL IN in just one thing.

Why are they holding themselves back at all? Why did they pick the goal they picked? Who do they want to become as they do it? What do they want to create by going ALL IN? What do they see as the obstacles and challenges? How can they plan to overcome these?

They can start now. So can you.

Y’all. Let’s GO ALL IN. I’m going with you!

When We Feel Controlled

 A whole lot of people in America – from teens to 80 year olds – feel controlled. Like they aren’t free to be themselves.  Are you one of them?  

Maybe it’s your mom, your spouse, your boss, your kids, your job, or just your schedule.  

You don’t feel like you have a choice in what you do.  You’re being told constantly what to do and how to do it.  It’s like you live locked into what you “have” to do.  

What inevitably happens is you lose control of yourself.  Then you lose yourself.

You don’t show up how you want to and you literally “lose it”.  Yelling, rolling your eyes, quitting out of nowhere, gossiping, crying in your car in the garage where no one can see you.  You spiral out of control with spending, alcohol, food, etc.

You feel controlled and then you lose control.  

You’re not living with the belief that you have freedom in your life. 

It’s actually how our teens think too.  

They’re trying to learn independence when they aren’t allowed to be fully independent. 

A lot of them feel controlled by their parents, their schedule, their future, and their friends. And when they feel that way, they end up losing control of themselves in some form or fashion.

They try to control something or someone else – their weight, friends, boyfriends, drugs, etc. – which is just losing control in an unhealthy way.

What I teach my clients is that no matter what their parents/teachers/friends say or do, they have complete control to think what they want to think, feel how they want to feel, and to a certain degree do what they want to do.  

Because they are 100% responsible for themselves.  

They start to see that even being told to clean their rooms is completely in their control. They can clean it out of fear, not clean it, clean it out of desire to be a loving daughter or a clean human, or none of the above.

I boil it down for them to see that even their feeling is a choice – they can choose annoyed, fear, love, calm, peace, etc. in those moments. No one tells them to feel those things.

They decide how they will show up as a daughter, a friend, a teammate, a student, etc. every day.  

That is freedom. That is being empowered.  

That is being in control. Not of other people, but of themselves.

When your teens start to feel empowered and in control, they will start being in control of themselves in a healthy way…not rolling their eyes, not yelling, not slamming the door, taking responsibility for their grades, their room, their body, etc.

It is NOT an overnight process, but it is a process.

Help your teens learn to live in the land of the free with true freedom – knowing they are NOT controlled by the people around them.  They are empowered everyday to be in control of themselves.  

Happy Fourth of July friends!

P.S. This is true for you too. You are 100% in charge of your life and you are the greatest example for them to see! Live your freedom too!

Freedom Quotes from my coach & teacher, Brooke Castillo.

“When you choose not to resist, react, or avoid any emotion, you will find freedom and strength.” 

“When you’re able to feel happy exactly where you are, that’s when you will have the freedom to decide what you’d like to do next.”

“When you accept something you cannot change, you feel long-lasting freedom.”