How To Get Married – 7 Steps

Dating is a funny concept.  The 13 year-old girls I used to teach always told stories about the boys they were “dating”.  Dating?  Really?  I’m pretty sure your mother would shut down your phone if she found out you texted anything – remotely – suggestive.  Ba-bye.

And then you experience the college dating scene.

As you date in college, though, you’re most likely both poor and eating Ramen, and most of the time you’re still figuring out what you want “to do with your life”.  Or you’re so focused on your career path, you don’t want to be distracted by dating.  ‘Cuz who’s got time for that?

Move on to your 20s, post-college time and for many women, especially Christian women, you hope to marry in the next decade.  Surely the good Lord can provide you a husband by then.  It’s not really asking a lot.  You graduated.  You have a somewhat steady job.

And then some women move into their 30s, and the pool of men gets smaller.  It’s like you moved from the neighborhood pool to the neighborhood baby pool. Except now you share the baby pool with your friends who married and are actually having babies.

What is happening, God?  Do you know that I long for a husband and family?  Are you aware that you made a time limit on when I can have babies?!

I know each of these stages because I lived each one of them.

I met my husband at 36 and married when I was 37.  I know the lonely nights.  I know the awkward times at weddings without a date.  I know the set ups.  I know the internet dating sites.  I know what it’s like to complete the employee form or health insurance form and check the single box.  To list my old roommate as my local emergency contact.  And then start crying as soon as I get in the car.

Are any of these stages ones you can relate to?  Were any of those feelings ones that left your heart aching?  Except maybe worse?

You know you can find someone to pass the time with.  You can find someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve and someone to text when you’re lonely on a Saturday night. You can find a date to keep you busy and distract you from the loneliness.

But is that enough for you?  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you are worthy of?  Or do you want to find your forever love?  Your forever man.

I don’t know you, but I am positive you want a forever love.  You want to marry the love of your life and then pursue life passionately together.  I know, then, that passing the time is not enough. 

You are worthy of more.  You want a man who knows your worth and is willing to go to great lengths to have your love.

I hope that you also want to find God’s best for you because ultimately God’s best person for you is God’s plan for you.  He always wants you to find His best.

Since I had the challenge and gift of being single until I was 37, many people ask me how I met my husband – especially because he is so incredibly handsome, successful, and Godly.  Truly, I got a 10.  And as I look back to when I met him, I know it was after I learned these things and began the process in my own life.

Now, before I list them, please know there is no formula to finding a husband.  It is not after I do this, God will provide this.  But I do know that these 7 Steps helped set me up to find my husband – because I was ready for marriage. And they have helped my own clients be happy single and ready or their 10.

7 Steps to Marriage

  1. Love Your Self – Like Yourself, Believe in Your Worth & Value, Know Yourself, & Be Yourself
  2. Trust Yourself, Trust God/Journey, Trust Guys
  3. Create a vision for your life
  4. Become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for
  5. Filter for Spiritual & Emotional Values, Date for Fun (Don’t make it a checklist or a chore)
  6. Take Massive Action (not passive “waiting” action)
  7. Transform the limiting beliefs & patterns holding you back

Some of you are thinking – is that it?  Those are the smart things?  I know.  I’m a type A kinda gal who would much rather have this list.

  1. Wear bright colors each day
  2. Workout three times a week
  3. Text back only after initially texted to
  4. Don’t drink more than one glass of wine on the date
  5. Find out his favorite meal and cook it
  6. Smile non-stop the first three dates
  7. Affirm him non-stop about the incredibly sweet (but tacky) gift he just gave you

That’s better, right?  You have much more control of these, and these are, by far, way easier to do.  These are all, in fact, good suggestions for you since most of them are wise for dating.  Most men want a healthy, happy good cook who is confident and not a drunk.

But the second list of things are the outcomes of the first list.

I’m here to testify that each one of these 7 steps are worth your time because they translate not just to a forever man, but to an amazing forever woman.

Admittedly, I heard some of these in my 20s and early 30s and ignored them because I thought I had them.  Some of these seemed ambiguous or hard to grasp exactly how to do.   I’ll write about the actionable steps you can do for each one to help you evaluate and reflect for your own dating life.  But for another day.

For right now, though, let me reassure you – once I started focusing on these 7 steps, I became an even better woman.

And that’s when I found my forever man.  Praise sweet baby Jesus.

The first six steps hinge on the last one. Transform the limiting beliefs, thoughts, lies, & patterns that are holding you back from doing each one of those. That is why you need a coach. To show you what is holding you back and how to accomplish the seven. If you’re ready to do this, let’s do it. Head to “Work With Me” and let’s work together.

“Don’t be a queen waiting on a king.  Be a queen busy with her kingdom until her king arrives.”  @TheClassyPeople

Self-Confidence is Three Things

Self-confidence is 3 things.

  1. The ability to trust yourself
  2. Your opinion of yourself
  3. Knowing that you can experience any emotion

If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said I had confidence. Confidence in my skills as a teacher or being disciplined.

But trusting my decisions? A high opinion of myself? Experiencing ANY emotion?!!! I think no.

You are not born with it. It’s a skill I’ve developed and I practice. It’s not a one and done.

I help my clients develop & practice it. Some need more help with trusting themselves and some need more help with their opinion of themselves.

But ALL need help knowing that you can experience any emotion. Which helps you embrace discomfort to get to your dreams. 💫💍👰🏻👩‍❤️‍👨👩🏻‍⚖️👩🏻‍🔬

Your self-confidence is tied to your dreams. I can help you build one to get to the other. You can schedule a call to get started here.

In the meantime, here are three books that helped me build trust in myself, increase my opinion of myself, and helped me learn more about experiencing emotions.

  1. Finding Your Own North Star by Carol Beck
  2. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
  3. You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
  4. Untamed by Gabby
  5. Soul Detox by Craig Groeshel

How To Self-Love Without Being Self-ish

My therapist told me something 15 years ago that I will never forget.  

‘You have to love yourself before you can love your neighbor as yourself.’

Being totally honest. I was like – she’s a therapist.  She must not realize that’s super selfish.

(I wish I could say I was kidding.  I was half-kidding.  But I don’t think this anymore and blame it on my youthful ignorance.)

Seven years later.  Different therapist.

Me:  I don’t know what to do.  I feel so selfish for quitting, not going on the trip, breaking up with the guy, etc.  

After ignoring the first therapist, I spent years battling these questions.  

  • How do I love myself without being selfish?  
  • How do I love others without having to say yes to everything or while still standing up for myself?  
  • How do I love others without getting walked all over?  

I felt like I wasn’t a good Christian or loving them the way I was “called” to love if I didn’t sign up for every meal delivery, go out with every guy who asked, quit volunteering, or even not visiting my family as long as they wanted me to. 

So I lived miserably stressed, overwhelmed with emotions, & thinking I wouldn’t be loved if I didn’t do all of these things. 

It never hit me that I wasn’t loving myself. 

It was a cycle.  I didn’t love myself.  I would say yes, not out of love but out of the desire for them to love me and fill my void, and then I’d be miserable and mad.  And not love who I was.

The cycle began and ended with me.  

I didn’t love myself and then I ended up not loving myself.  It was a downward spiral that I had to pull myself up out of.

I had to start understanding what it meant to love me – first.  

What I have sense learned, and mostly through coaching, is this.

When I know how to unconditionally love and value myself, then I have the capacity to love and value others.  

Before I was just trying to love others out of obligation, rules, and the desire to be loved.  None of that is loving.

Self- love starts with awareness.  Followed by understanding, compassion, acceptance, value, empowerment and self-boundaries (saying no to the short-term gratification for the long-term success).  

Imagine if you did that for yourself every day. 

You were aware of your thoughts and feelings driving your behaviors.  You understood and showed compassion and acceptance for where you’re at.  You valued yourself no matter what.  You felt empowered to be confident and have self-boundaries in order to have success for yourself.  

Imagine a world where all of us did that.  

We’d have so much capacity to love others.  That’s truly what we’re called to do.

We’d be aware and understand them and their situations.  We’d show compassion and acceptance no matter what.  We’d value them with all of their flaws.  And then we’d be empowered to make decisions and have boundaries with them to help them have success for themselves.  

It was true when my therapist said it 15 years ago and it’s true now.  

You have to love yourself before you can love your neighbor as yourself.  

If you have wondered these same things before...

If you have felt both walked over and selfish

If you have ever battled with these same questions

I have an amazing opportunity for you!

Twelve weeks.  We tackle all of this and so much more!  We get you to a place where you know how to get what you want without being selfish.  You stop being walked over.  You stop the stress, the emotional overwhelm, the anxiety, and the confusion.  

You start 2020 knowing how to be assertive, set boundaries, say no, create self-confidence, and have unconditional love for yourself and others.  

Imagine how that would change your relationships with your family, your partner, your friends, your co-workers, and your boss! 

Imagine how you would grow as a leader in your career and personally. 

It’s my first time offering this program – Stop Getting Walked All Over: How To Get What You Want Without Being Selfish, so I have an extra bonus for you.

Buy in October and you’ll get your free bonus invite to my 2020: Making It Happen – New Year’s Workshop in January, valued at $150.

I’m so excited for you and what can be done when you start learning how to get what you want, how to love yourself, and not be selfish!

Message me to set up the free consult call and get all the details.