True Happiness

It’s the number one thing that people want.  They want it more than money.  The pursuit of it is what the United States founding fathers left their home countries for.  And if I had the formula for true happiness, I’d be richer than Jeff Bezos.  

What I do know is the most important thing you can know about happiness – you ready?  

You will be much happier if you stop trying to pursue happiness. 

It’s true. And this is why.

When we live our lives trying to be happy about everything – our jobs, our romantic relationships, our families, and all the events that are not so happy – we are constantly disappointed.  

If something we consider not good happens, we think life has gone wrong.  It’s not supposed to be hard, sad, frustrating, or scary.  

And THAT almost always causes us to think we’re doing it wrong.  And we get even more unhappy.  On top of the already said negative emotions.  

Let’s take an example.  

I work with mostly single clients.  Most of them think they are unhappy because they’re single.  They believe that they’ll be happy if they’re in a relationship.  Some of them don’t consciously think that, but it underlies their sadness about being single.  

Unfortunately, they’ve been conditioned for two things. One that the goal in life is to be happy.  And the second goal in life is to be in love.  

If those are the two main goals in life and you need goal number two to get to goal number one, then being single would obviously make you unhappy.  You’d be constantly thinking that you’re failing at dating and relationships which only then keeps you thinking you’re failing at life.  

And who is happy when they believe they’re failing at life?  No one. 

First, happiness doesn’t lie in being married or being single or having any other goal.  If that were true, all married people would be happy or all single people would be happy.  Or all rich people would be happy. None are true.  

What it does lie in is in your thinking.  The thoughts you have about being married or being single are what’s creating that feeling of unhappiness.  Thoughts create feelings. Not circumstances.

Second, life is 50-50.  Most people don’t want to be happy about divorce or a job loss or losing a loved one.  That would make no sense.  And it might make you a sociopath.  

Accepting that life is 50-50 – that you’ll have 50% negative emotions and 50% positive emotions about the circumstances and events in life is key.  It releases you from the first goal.  Happiness is no longer the goal in life because it’s a useless goal.  It stops your resistance to the negative emotions that come up for you.  It gives you peace.  

Third, if happiness is no longer the main goal in life, then the other goals you have aren’t about making you happy either.  You don’t have to make other goals mean anything other than growth.  

Start to question why you want each goal in your life.  If being married won’t make you happy – and your partner won’t make you happy, then why do you want to be married?  And why are you unhappy single?  

Most likely it’s because you’re making being single mean something negative about yourself.  That you’re doing it wrong.  That no one likes you.  You’re boring. You’re too much.  You’re not enough.  

And those are all just thoughts that you don’t have to believe.  They’ve been conditioned from society and they simply are’t true.  

They are covering up the real reason to date and be with someone – to have fun, connect, and give love.  And they keep you from being someone who has fun, connects, and gives love.  

Thoughts are optional.  

Fourth, if happiness is no longer the main goal, then you won’t feel unhappy every time you have a negative emotion. You won’t feel like you’re failing.

You start focusing on other emotions that fuel your life. Certainty, completeness, curiousity, empowered, secure, peace, contentment. Those feelings fuel your growth and your goals.

True happiness lies in you letting go of the goal of happiness and deciding that the pursuit – the journey of the goal – is happiness.  Not because you will feel happiness the whole way, but because you are accepting the 50-50 of it the whole way.  

If this resonated with you and you want to learn how to do these four steps, go to my work with me page to apply for 1:1 coaching.  

To True Happiness

Natalie

What are you making “single” mean?

A client of mine told me she got really mad at her dad for saying to his friends that she hadn’t settled down yet.

The thing is.  She hasn’t settled down.  She is single.  (She laughed when I pointed this out to her.)

This is a fact, not an opinion, not a judgement.

But I know there’s a lot of judgement behind that word ‘single’.  

You know whose it is?  Yours.  

What do you make single mean about you?

I know I used to think I was missing out.  I didn’t belong in the married club.  I’m doing things wrong.  There must be something wrong with me if I’m still single.  I’m a loser in this game.

So much judgement.  So much dislike.  So much of me not accepting me for who I was. Single.

What do you make it mean about God?

You’ve been forgotten. He doesn’t care.  He is punishing you.  He’s not trustworthy.  He’s got it all wrong.  

So much judgement.  So much dislike.  How can these thoughts ever serve you?

Right now, you think that you will stop beating yourself up and disliking parts of you when you get married. Changing a circumstance won’t make you stop judging or disliking yourself.  Getting married won’t change those deep rooted beliefs about who you are and who God is.  Those are thoughts that you have believed over and over again.  

You don’t HAVE to believe that about yourself or God.  

It might seem like it’s just what you think, but thoughts are optional.  You get to choose them the same way you choose your clothes.  

You could choose to make it mean nothing about you or God.  Maybe it’s just what it is. You are single.  You will be married one day.  Done.  

One is tearing yourself down and one is allowing you to live without pressure, judgement, and dislike.  

Let your mind choose other drama to dwell on.  Get mad at your dad for something else.  I’m sure there are other things!

Most of all – start choosing to accept & love who you are right now – single – & think the best about yourself.  Always.