Two Things To Do When It Feels Like You Don’t Belong

Dear Santa – please help me belong.  

How many of you have thought similarly to this 9 year old little girl?  

What’s funny, is that there is always some reason in our head that seems SO TRUE to justify why we don’t belong.

Like I would swear in the court of law that I don’t belong because I’m a half-Hispanic, half-white who looks Asian, non-Spanish speaking step-mom with no kids of her own.  Seems totally legit to me. 

Other reasons that SEEM SO legit.  

You don’t have a boyfriend.  

You’re not married.  

You don’t have kids.  

You don’t have the same job as everyone else in your circle.  

You’re the top leader in your organization.  

You aren’t from the South.  You look different from the others.  

You like yoga.  

I know.  Some of these have been/are my reasons.  But they could be yours too.

Whether it IS true or not, our heads are thinking some thought that’s telling our hearts to feel rejected or alone or odd.  

The thoughts are the reasons that seem so legit.  

The fact that you don’t have a boyfriend does NOT automatically mean you don’t belong, contrary to what your brain believes. 

You “belong” in the singles box to check at the doctor’s office. That’s all.

Your HEAD is making it mean that you don’t belong in life.  That it means you are unloveable, a failure, a reject.

There are two things to really help your brain start overcoming this battle in your mind.  

First. What if you just notice how the feeling of unloved, rejected, or disliked feels?  It’s not going to hurt you.  It’s not going to kill you.  But you have to feel it to know that.  

Second. After you meet it head on, step back and make a list (or T-chart since I used to be a teacher) of fact vs. thoughts. 

Not married.  – Fact (provable in court – no human could win against you)

I don’t belong. – Thought

Not born in the South – Fact (provable in court; no human could win against you)

I’m not like anyone from here. – Thought

It comes down to really what your 3rd grade teacher taught you, ha, ha.  Look at Fact vs. Opinion (Thoughts).  

These two steps alone start exposing your brain to the lies it believes.  First lie – that you’ll die if you feel rejection or alone. Second lie – all the thoughts that are convincing you what isn’t true.  

And then you keep the battle of the mind going with giving it new things to believe about those facts.  

This is the work I do with my clients.  This is the work I’d do with you.  Email me anytime.

You do belong, but I’m not the one who can convince you. Only you can.  

Questions To Ask To Help Your Brain Commit

The way you do one thing is the way you do anything.  That’s what my coach tells me. 

This hit me like a whiff of really strong perfume. Eyes opened!

You see, I have always done pretty well with my weight, my exercise, my finances and even my time – I could coast just above average.  A solid B+/A-.

This week, I started thinking. I ignore my alarm. I hit the snooze button. I choose to do one more thing in the ten minutes I “think” I have which creates me being late.

And if what my coach says is true, I lack commitment to my schedule, which means I also don’t commit to my financial budget or my food plan. 

Ugh. I had a bad feeling this was legit.

Yep, I “cheat” here and there with my budget and food too, and since I know how to just do enough, I fluctuate 2-4 lbs and never bounce checks.

I am technically late to things, but rarely am late to where I miss the beginning of things which don’t really “count”. “No harm done”.

Even when I was in college, I rarely studied and got a solid A-. In high school, I rarely studied, and I was top 15%, not top 5%.

Yep, this is legit.

I realize I had this thought ‘Why push myself and go ALL IN?’ I was coasting very well with little commitment and little effort.

And then I thought – What if I went ALL IN?  What if I committed to doing it 100%?  What would my results look like?  What would I create for myself?  Who would I become?  

WhenI realized this, my mind WAS BLOWN. I have been living my life coasting. From teen to 40. Not really committing to much and also not really shining. I’ve been holding myself back.

So I immediately decided my schedule was where I could really transform. Schedule my day, honor my commitments, show up for myself and others. And look out for who I am becoming!

Finishing up week one and have already blown my mind. I was EARLY to lunch with a friend. I did EVERYTHING on my schedule, down to the exact podcast I wrote I’d listen to.


What about you? What if you showed up 100% in your life even if it was just ONE thing? You’d blow your mind, wouldn’t you?

Share this with your teen. Challenge them to go ALL IN in just one thing.

Why are they holding themselves back at all? Why did they pick the goal they picked? Who do they want to become as they do it? What do they want to create by going ALL IN? What do they see as the obstacles and challenges? How can they plan to overcome these?

They can start now. So can you.

Y’all. Let’s GO ALL IN. I’m going with you!

When We Feel Controlled

 A whole lot of people in America – from teens to 80 year olds – feel controlled. Like they aren’t free to be themselves.  Are you one of them?  

Maybe it’s your mom, your spouse, your boss, your kids, your job, or just your schedule.  

You don’t feel like you have a choice in what you do.  You’re being told constantly what to do and how to do it.  It’s like you live locked into what you “have” to do.  

What inevitably happens is you lose control of yourself.  Then you lose yourself.

You don’t show up how you want to and you literally “lose it”.  Yelling, rolling your eyes, quitting out of nowhere, gossiping, crying in your car in the garage where no one can see you.  You spiral out of control with spending, alcohol, food, etc.

You feel controlled and then you lose control.  

You’re not living with the belief that you have freedom in your life. 

It’s actually how our teens think too.  

They’re trying to learn independence when they aren’t allowed to be fully independent. 

A lot of them feel controlled by their parents, their schedule, their future, and their friends. And when they feel that way, they end up losing control of themselves in some form or fashion.

They try to control something or someone else – their weight, friends, boyfriends, drugs, etc. – which is just losing control in an unhealthy way.

What I teach my clients is that no matter what their parents/teachers/friends say or do, they have complete control to think what they want to think, feel how they want to feel, and to a certain degree do what they want to do.  

Because they are 100% responsible for themselves.  

They start to see that even being told to clean their rooms is completely in their control. They can clean it out of fear, not clean it, clean it out of desire to be a loving daughter or a clean human, or none of the above.

I boil it down for them to see that even their feeling is a choice – they can choose annoyed, fear, love, calm, peace, etc. in those moments. No one tells them to feel those things.

They decide how they will show up as a daughter, a friend, a teammate, a student, etc. every day.  

That is freedom. That is being empowered.  

That is being in control. Not of other people, but of themselves.

When your teens start to feel empowered and in control, they will start being in control of themselves in a healthy way…not rolling their eyes, not yelling, not slamming the door, taking responsibility for their grades, their room, their body, etc.

It is NOT an overnight process, but it is a process.

Help your teens learn to live in the land of the free with true freedom – knowing they are NOT controlled by the people around them.  They are empowered everyday to be in control of themselves.  

Happy Fourth of July friends!

P.S. This is true for you too. You are 100% in charge of your life and you are the greatest example for them to see! Live your freedom too!

Freedom Quotes from my coach & teacher, Brooke Castillo.

“When you choose not to resist, react, or avoid any emotion, you will find freedom and strength.” 

“When you’re able to feel happy exactly where you are, that’s when you will have the freedom to decide what you’d like to do next.”

“When you accept something you cannot change, you feel long-lasting freedom.”