Two Things To Do When It Feels Like You Don’t Belong
Dear Santa – please help me belong.
How many of you have thought similarly to this 9 year old little girl?
What’s funny, is that there is always some reason in our head that seems SO TRUE to justify why we don’t belong.
Like I would swear in the court of law that I don’t belong because I’m a half-Hispanic, half-white who looks Asian, non-Spanish speaking step-mom with no kids of her own. Seems totally legit to me.
Other reasons that SEEM SO legit.
You don’t have a boyfriend.
You’re not married.
You don’t have kids.
You don’t have the same job as everyone else in your circle.
You’re the top leader in your organization.
You aren’t from the South. You look different from the others.
You like yoga.
I know. Some of these have been/are my reasons. But they could be yours too.
Whether it IS true or not, our heads are thinking some thought that’s telling our hearts to feel rejected or alone or odd.
The thoughts are the reasons that seem so legit.
The fact that you don’t have a boyfriend does NOT automatically mean you don’t belong, contrary to what your brain believes.
You “belong” in the singles box to check at the doctor’s office. That’s all.
Your HEAD is making it mean that you don’t belong in life. That it means you are unloveable, a failure, a reject.
There are two things to really help your brain start overcoming this battle in your mind.
First. What if you just notice how the feeling of unloved, rejected, or disliked feels? It’s not going to hurt you. It’s not going to kill you. But you have to feel it to know that.
Second. After you meet it head on, step back and make a list (or T-chart since I used to be a teacher) of fact vs. thoughts.
Not married. – Fact (provable in court – no human could win against you)
I don’t belong. – Thought
Not born in the South – Fact (provable in court; no human could win against you)
I’m not like anyone from here. – Thought
It comes down to really what your 3rd grade teacher taught you, ha, ha. Look at Fact vs. Opinion (Thoughts).
These two steps alone start exposing your brain to the lies it believes. First lie – that you’ll die if you feel rejection or alone. Second lie – all the thoughts that are convincing you what isn’t true.
And then you keep the battle of the mind going with giving it new things to believe about those facts.
This is the work I do with my clients. This is the work I’d do with you. Email me anytime. firstname.lastname@example.org.
You do belong, but I’m not the one who can convince you. Only you can.